I don’t want to find you in another universe. I don’t want to meet you in a parallel galaxy, in the afterlife, or at another time. I don’t want you to be my what-if, my greatest love that got away, or my right-person-wrong-time. I don’t want to spend my days searching for a love like yours. I do not want to give my heart to anyone else, I don’t want to begin again, get to know a soul again, and pour out my all again. The price I’ve paid loving you as much as I do is that I will never be able to love another again. The thought of living life without that love is too much to bear. You are home and I’m homeless.
I want to work this out with you. I want you to love me back. I chose us. I want my poetry to be about you and your eternity. I want my future to be filled with ours. I want my years to be yours. I want to argue, make up, and be close to you. I want to trace stars, reach dreams, and share achievements together. Heaven and parallel universes are not promised. I only have this one chance. And my love, I want us to end up in this lifetime.
Know you are loved. Know you are seen. Know you are heard. Know you have value to offer. Know you are important. Know you have a purpose. Know your future. Know you have a reason. Know you are beautiful inside. Know God knows. Know yourself. Know love is real.
Oct 14 entry:
Jess - I know you feel NOTHING towards me, which I’ll never understand, but I now think that’s the way you want it to be. You want to be in control. Unlike Moe, your stupid high school BF, other male idiots addicted to your puchakah, diseased as it is, I am not a man to be manipulated. Any sick-ass BPD/NPD warped fucked up, child of a father who can’t stand you-no-sibling-childless wrenched excuse for a human will be exposed yet again at your own invitation. I have pity for the next male supplies in your life. These poor men will also suffer and you will never find love. Do you yet know why you will never find love? It’s because you ahte yourself. You can’t love someone e;ese you liove yourself, and you never will because your brain stopped developing at 7 years old when Pete rejected you. He still rejects you. When he left, he stopped by my house and said, “I told you Jon. Of course she’s already with Ryan. She already was. She’s a goddam tornado. I can’t stand her. I’m moving to Florida. Fran can fuck off too. Fran only cares about Fran. I’m done with both of them.”
I am done with you too. I actually want you to rot in life. There’s no need to wish that upon the diseased hell that awaits you and your victims. You have attempted to destroy my life. Before I met you, I was raising my kids, I was healthy, I was dating multiple women, and I had my own life. When I met you, I decided that you were the one I wanted to be with for life. I thought about it hard. Did you think I would enter a marriage committment lightly, you fool? Anyway, I’m not your Moe, I’m not your bitch, I’m not just another stupid ex addicted to your diseased vagina, disgusting as it is.
I am Jonathan Spinney. I am strong, successful, smart, loving, and I’ve raised two kids as a single father. I am not those other men! In ten years, you will not have the ability to manipulate men with your pussy. It will age, your face will start to fall on your fucked-up chin, and you will be alone. Your parents will be dead, you have no sibliings, not kids of your own, no real loyal friends, and no family. That stupid excuse of a fucktard friendship you think have with your bestie married to a cocaine dealer is a capsized boat waiting to drown you when (not if) it goes down.
Also, one can live with someone for convenience without love, or one can realize you can’t live without someone you love. I always loved you despite our helter-skelter pandemic-accelerated romance. When I fell in love with you, I did. I will not allow that to be taken from me, you, and especially Us! When you slowly started telling me who you were, what had happened, what you did, how fucked up everything was,…. what did I do? How did I react? I rescued again. I can’t recue you. No one can. Only you can, and I hope you do before your inevitable isolation becomes too overwhelming beyond a bullet to the head just like Jackie.
Cushion, more cushion. I failed you. I didn’t parent you. I didn’t ask you to stop. I did the opposite and enabled you, and for that, I will never forgive myself. Good bye. I don’t know who you are, but I did gain a great friend from this experience. Bobby and I are very close. I will meet his wife Tara soon, and I will be their for his wife’s birth to thier first child, expecting in March 2025. Bobby wishes you and Greg Parsons a happy afuckfair. Maybe I’ll hear from one of you newer victims too, and Bobby and I will support him too. We are going to establish a fraternity. I may be the only one who has herpes (knowingly).
Oct 14 entry:
Lauren and I just asked each other if we know anyone’s phone number by heart. She said “No”. I said yes, 347-205-4739. The conversation went deep south. we argued. We danced and fucked. I hate fucking these days. I want to make love to someone who will love me. How did we just walk away from this responsibility? You told me you would never cheat on me. You told me we would always be safe because we were a couple. WHY have you done this to me, my Love? I love you. I’m so hurt. Did I ever mean anything to you?
Oct 14 entery:
I heard you’re now a Yogi. I’m proud of you. I wish you could have done this with me.
Yo - I’m sorry I enabled your drug use. I was trying to protect you. I didn’t know I was hurting you. I feel so sad that my role in your post-Jackie-post-LA-post-Vegas life was my rebound for you and I failed you. I just wanted to love you. I wanted to rescue you. I wanted you. I fucked up caring for you and lost the kids while I did. I might never get them back. Sienna hasn’t talked to me since the wedding, Jess. I haven’t seen her in 18 months! If there is anything you can do to leave peace behind you, it would be to call her and talk to her. She thinks I chose you over her, which I did, and she may never recover from that trauma. YOU can help that, and only YOU can. I know you know what this means, and how it will impact her life.
Babe…. I just want peace. I want the best for you. I love you. I always will. I want to think I was a husband to you. I tried. I wanted to be. I wanted you to be my wife. I wanted life with you. I truly hope and pray you will find someone as good as me to settle down with and age gracefully.
I know we will never talk again, and I will never have closure. The questions I have will haunt me for the rest of my life. Did you ever love me? Why was I the one to go through hell with you and recovery with drugs, and hell to sad through Jackie, open my whole heart, my house, my family to you, to love you entirely, unconditionally, and then experience you ditch me for other men, when you said you would never hurt me that way because you knew what Hatty did. I don’t want to know if you did, but I’m pretty sure that it happened in Florida. Everything changed that day when you asked me who I was fucking. It was in that moment I knew you had cheated on me and projected to me. My Jessica? My love? My WIFE I committed my life to? My love.
I always wanted you to be better, I was always the MAN to give you that platform. I was always the one available to support you. To love you. To think about a future with you. The MAN who planned a future for us—a place here in Colorado and a soon-to-be-ready beach house (without you). The MAN who wanted a family with you. The MAN who wanted you to be my family. The MAN who had a family with you—Echo, Ben, Sienna, me, you, Dad, Mom. Our home. Our heart. Our us.
Why do you want hurt me so much baby? Why do you hate me so much when I love you so much?